*Name changed due to confidentiality reasons
My name is Lucie. I was asked to put together a testimony of my life after the sex industry.This made me nervous, not only because I tend to be rather talkative and over-use my words, but because then my story would be out there! I thought, maybe, my only saving grace would be that perhaps you’ve all heard so many success stories of ex-sex-workers, and find them all rather ‘samey’. So I decided to do share mine in a slightly different way. It will comprise of three short letters – the first one, to all my ex-clientele and the second, to my Eternal Loving Father and the third, His letter to me. This will eradicate the horrible-ness which I have lived with for quite some time
TO ALL MY FORMER CLIENTS:
When you praised my appearance, my body, or my sexual abilities, you could just as well have vomited on me. You did not see the person behind the mask. You only saw that which confirmed your illusion of a raunchy woman with an unstoppable sex drive.
If you think that I ever felt attracted to you, you are terribly mistaken. I have never had any desire to go to work, not once. The only thing on my mind was to make money, and fast.
Do not confuse that with easy money; it was never easy. Fast, yes. Because I quickly learned the many tricks to get you to come as quickly as possible, so I could get you off of me, or from under me, or from behind me.
And no, you never turned me on during the act. I was a great actress. For years (as a teenager) I have had the opportunity to practice for free. Actually, it falls under the concept of multi-tasking. Because while you lay there, my thoughts were always elsewhere. Somewhere where I was not confronted with you sucking out my self respect, without spending as much as 10 seconds on the reality of the situation, or to look me in the eye.
If you thought you were doing me a favour by paying me for 30 minutes or an hour, you were wrong. I would rather have had you in and out as fast as possible. When you thought yourself to be my holy saviour, asking what a pretty girl like me was doing in a place like that, you lost your halo when you proceeded to ask me to lie down on my back, and then put all your efforts into feeling my body as much as possible with your hands. Actually, I would have preferred if you had gotten down on your back and had let me do my job
TO MY HOLY SAVIOUR:
Dear Jesus, when you are present to me, all is good and nothing seems difficult; but when I forget you, all is hard and empty.
Jesus, your voice to me is the most precious sound in existence. If I don’t hear you speaking inside my soul, all other comfort is worth nothing, but if you speak but one word to me I am greatly comforted.
Oh, how foolish I am when I go into any situation without having you on my mind Jesus. What vanity for me to desire anything outside of you. The world without you profits me nothing. To be without you is grievous hell; and to be with you Jesus is sweet Paradise. When you’re with me no enemy can hurt me. To find you is to find the real treasure – the Good above all good – and to become the richest person on earth. But to lose you is to lose more than the whole world and to be left in abject poverty. Once I was lost. Now I’m found. Once I was dead. Now I’m alive in Him. Jesus Christ means everything to me. He’s my life giver. ‘Whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst’. John 4:14 NKJV
HIS LETTER TO ME:
My darling Lucie,
When you find yourself thinking in a loveless, self-hurtful way, acknowledge it and confess it to me immediately. Ask Me not only to forgive you but to change you. You don’t need to belabour your confession, as if you had to convince Me to extend grace to you. I went through torturous execution and utter separation from My Father so that I could remove your sins as far from you as the east is from the west. I delight in forgiving you! Remember that even now I view you clothed in radiant garments – My perfect righteousness. My perfect love!
MY LIFE NOW:
Each day when I am deciding what to wear, I never forget donning my jacket of forgiveness and when I embrace the challenges of my day, I remember the words – ‘As you forgive, you’re forgiven. The bible says when you’re ‘full of bitterness’ you’re ‘captive to sin’ (Acts 8:23). Jesus didn’t just die just for me, He died for those who offend me too. Do they deserve my forgiveness? My answer was always a resounding ‘No’. But then again, who am I to I deserve it? He said, ‘Pray for your enemies’. By learning to forgive, it melts the bitterness in my heart towards them. It’s impossible to harbour resentment towards somebody you’re praying for. My motto in life is: Sometimes it’s hard to forgive, but I ‘can do all things through Christ’ (Philippians 4:13 KJV).
Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense. It lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well. It’s my daily detox!